 |
 |
|
|
|
September, 2007
The Great Indoorsman Improves Television
By Patrick J. Bowen
So I've decided it's time to improve TV for the rest of us. I know what you're thinking. "TV is perfect, Pat. How can you improve something that gives so much and asks for only a glazed drooling stare in return?" Well, friends, first of all I would argue that drooling stares are hard to come by…unless I'm drunk and you're a gorgeous female. And the drunk part is negotiable. Secondly, I would say that if you're reading this paper, you're probably one of those outdoorsy types who haven't watched TV since they invented cordless remote controls. So what the hell do you know? Ha! Squelched ya good, didn't I? Allow me to grin smugly for a moment...Thanks.
Improvement 1: More Ashley Judd movies where she's a tough-talking cop who gets in over her head with a psycho stalker, please. There's only like five of these movies ever made!!! I mean, come on!! I could watch Ashley Judd play "tough-but-vulnerable" until the cows come home. For the record: Cows in yard? Zero.
Improvement 2: It's time to do more crossover shows where the cast of one show come onto another show. I think "Friends" and "Mad About You" did this a few times. And we all remember how memorable those episodes were, right? Paul Reiser + David Schwimmer = modern day Abbot and Costello. My idea? Let's have the boys from "Entourage" interact with the roiling melodrama that is "The L Word". Who doesn't want to see Turtle hit on that waify writer girl who always thinks Deep Thoughts? Comic gold, man. And for those of you who wonder what a ruggedly masculine man like myself is doing watching the L Word? I offer Female Housemate 1 and Female Housemate 2 as my defense. Oh…and lesbian sex scenes.
Improvement 3: Longer Red Sox pre- and post-game shows. I mean, there is simply not enough analysis of the Red Sox on NESN. I want the following shows before each game: "Combing Kevin Youkilis' Chin Hair with Hazel Mae" 5-5:30. "Manny Teaches Dice-K English" 5:30-6. "Planting Left-Wing Bumper Stickers on Schilling's Car with Eric Frede" 6-6:30. and of course, no Sox pre-game would be complete without "J.D. Drew Staring Blankly Into Space" from 6:30 to 7. Now THAT's a pre-game show we can all get drunk around.
Improvement 4: Whenever they have these ridiculous hot-dog eating contests, make sure we do a reality show where they plant a microphone in the winner's hotel toilet the next day. I am deeply (and disturbingly) curious about exactly how painful it must be to expel 50+ hot dogs out of one's rectum simultaneously. Furthermore, I want a reporter outside the door asking questions like "Where exactly do you think you're life went wrong?" and "NOW do you understand why you're single?"
So there, enact these little adjustments by the end of the month, and all will be well.
Bio: Patrick Bowen was recently dragged out by his housemate for an all-day rafting adventure. He cried like a baby the whole way down the Kennebec River and clung to his sofa like a lifeboat upon his return to civilization. Emails can be sent to PJBowen33@yahoo.com
Email nick [at] noumbrella [dot] com with your questions, comments and concerns.
Design and Content © 2002 to 2006 No Umbrella
