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July, 2007
Instructions and Proper Etiquette for Surfing the Madison Wave
With Tom Gerencer
1. First, check the levels online at www.usgs.gov or by calling the Madison dam. Allow for the fact that the USGS only provides partial info, and that in any case the people at the Madison dam hate kayakers.
2. Decide to go. Then decide not to go. Then decide you can’t decide. Then, after being harassed on the phone by Arthur Dickey for 45 minutes, decide to go after all.
3. Carefully pack all your kayaking gear. Forget your booties, mitts, earplugs, etc. so you will have something to complain about in the eddy. Bring an extra pair of booties, mitts, earplugs, etc. so you can lend them to someone in the eddy to shut them up when they complain.
4. Arrive at the wave. A kayaker you know marginally well will be taking off his dry top. He will tell you, "Dude, it was AWESOME all day, but now it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get on it. You should have been here this morning. I’ve had the best day of my life. You totally missed it. You’re a real sad bastard."
5. Contemplate hitting this kayaker in the teeth with a large pine branch you see nearby, lying in a ditch. Decide not to do it, then decide to do it, then decide you can’t decide. See Arthur Dickey waving at you and grinning from across the parking lot
6. Get into your gear. As you do this, try to hide your bare rear-end from all the other kayakers who in any case are busy trying to hide their own bare rear-ends from you. Notice that Steve Dickey is there, not in fact trying to hide his own bare rear-end, but strangely, looking at yours. Become nervous.
7. Wonder why Steve Dickey and Arthur Dickey have the same creepy last name, but are not related.
8. Hike down to the water, get in, paddle to the wave.
9. Complain to the other kayakers in the eddy that you have forgotten your booties, mitts, earplugs, etc. and that your feet, hands, ears (etc.) are about to fall off from being so cold.
10. Paddle across the eddy line and have the best ride of your life. Wonder what the heck the idiot in the parking lot was talking about. Stay on the wave and throw six space-monkey-donkey-flip-Godzilla-leprechaun-Chihuahua-flying-air-screws – clean – in a row – unless you’re me – in which case you just do a lot of leftie flat spins until the people in the eddy are like, "Come on! Get off the wave if you’re not going to do something with a cartoon-character’s name in it!!!" Think back fondly to the days before you could flat spin, when all you could do was front-surf, and when people used to yell, "Spin to win, man! Spin to win!" Realize you are about five years behind being cool, and that if you had a time machine, you would be cutting edge.
11. Spend the next five hours in a gambling-addiction type fit: miss the wave ten times in a row but keep paddling frantically back up the eddy, because that ELEVENTH time – man – THAT is going to ROCK.
12. Yell things at Arthur Dickey while he is surfing that he can’t hear because the river is too loud. Try these: "Man, you’re like a retard caught in a revolving door!" "Hey! You’re like a schizophrenic on a Ferris Wheel!" "Spin to win, man!"
13. Become so exhausted that you can hardly paddle, but, like a rat in a psychology experiment, keep paddling up the eddy for more. Finally, get so exhausted that you can’t roll anymore and you swim. Get angry at people for trying to help you. They generally like this.
14. Get back in your boat and surf some more. Someone will most likely say something unhelpful at this time, such as: "Well, I guess that’ll teach you to wear yourself out like that." Tell them, "No, it probably won’t. I am a slow learner."
15. Miss the wave about 175 times in a row during your last two hours because you are totally exhausted. Get out of your boat and hike back up to your car. Someone will most likely be just arriving at the wave. As you strip out of your dry top, tell them, "Man, it was AWESOME all day, but now it’s IMPOSSIBLE to get on it. You should have been here this morning. I’ve had the best day of my life."
16. Go get Chinese food with Arthur and Steve Dickey. The place in Skowhegan, across from the Dunkin’ Donuts, up beyond the forbidding, empty parking lot, is actually really, really good. Recall why you love kayaking so much. Say a small prayer to the deity or general belief system of your choice in thanks for putting a 19,000 CFS river near your house, with the perfect sized rock in it, at –just- the right spot.
Email nick [at] noumbrella [dot] com with your questions, comments and concerns.
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