 |
 |
|
|
|
June, 2007
Carnage: Lost Cojones
By Amy Leppo
I seem to have lost my cojones. Have you seen them? Last time I saw them they were swimming away from me in the middle of Gore Rapid. There were many people there, in fact, it was Gore Fest. Maybe someone else picked them up and didn't have my address to mail them back. I thought about putting the picture of them on the back of a milk carton, but most boaters drink bean milk anyway.
My skirt blew off as I was stuck in a deep hole, above the real meat. Didn't boof aggressively. In fact, didn't boof at all. (Side note=how do you boof?) First time I swam in 6 years. How do you explain to a nonboater how it feels when you have to swim? All control and power lost, bobbing up in a little pool, underneath a drop. I felt a million currents tugging at me, delicately pulling me into the main channel. My right foot was brushing up against a mossy rock, barely keeping me on the eddy line, not in the eddy, on the eddy line. I realized I could never make it back to the eddy. My boat soon gets sucked out and flushed downstream. Refusing to let go of my paddle, feathering the blades to keep the dark force from gaining the upper hand.
A man with a throw rope 6 feet above me on a boulder tells me to hang on. He is waiting and wisely looking upstream, not wanting to entrap someone coming down. Me=Angry. "Throw me that rope!" I beg pathetically. Knowing that the prior week someone had died taking the swim I am about to embark on. BOOF! A boater boofs the drop and misses me. (Oh, that's how. That was sweet.) "Hold on," my messiah tell me. Staring straight at him, I tell him I can't. Me=Loser. He tosses the rope. Immediately I become entangled. Legs wrapped like my fly fishing line on a typical day. Three guys are slowly tugging me in. If they let go, bad things will happen. Paddle still in my left hand. "Swim! You need to save yourself, you know." His tone sets a new bar for condescending. Did he just say that to me? If only I had a cojoney left I would have said: "Once you finish your heroic efforts, I will repay the debt by nearly beating you to death. But I will let you live." As if I wasn't embarrassed enough. Don't get me wrong, the guy saved me from a world of misery and then some. I appreciate it. Sincerely. Thank you condescending man with a rope. I owe you huge.
But anyway, if you see my cojones, will you send them back to me? Reward offered.
Email nick [at] noumbrella [dot] com with your questions, comments and concerns.
Design and Content © 2002 to 2006 No Umbrella