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August, 2006
Argument of the Month: It's Summer, We Get it.
By Zeke Callanan
WWas there something in the air of July that just made people ornery and disagreeable? Yes. It is called humidity. My personal favorite are back skin grafts onto leather carseats.
Anyway, needless to say, when people are a little cranky about the never-ending stream of sweat pouring down their forehead, and a little annoyed at having to constantly wipe their spectacles clean of condensation, disagreements-er, arguments, if you will-will ensue. It is only natural. And by "people", I mean me.
So the following is a description of an interesting situation. What starts as a great idea to kick-start the evening, turns into a 10-decibel debacle ending in flaming fury and empty glasses. Okay, only the last part is true. But it was funny. I have changed the names of those involved to protect you, the reader, from the monotony of reading the same names having the argument of the month, every month. But I will give a special prize - one of the last five original No Umbrella stickers - to the reader who first sends me an email correctly answering this question: WHICH OF THE FIVE CHARACTERS BELOW AM I? It is true that those who know me have a better chance of winning, adding one more benefit to the list. Good luck! (zeke@noumbrella.com)
August: Stirred Drinks vs. Spread of Disease
A bit ago, five young adults filled a comfortable dining room of a bachelor pad in a coastal "city". They were deciding how to celebrate life for the night, when Stirrer dissolved the process by pouring up some of Maine's finest: Trailer Park Martinis (of course this drink has other names, but no need to offend any particular towns here). His intuition of making a suggestion to which all will agree was incredible. On this occasion, however, he slipped slightly, and there, lurking in the air, moments away, was disagreement. He began to create the milky beverages.
All five of them (Stirrer, Shocked, Thirsty, Joker, and Computer) liked the idea of glasses. They all liked the ice. And were all pleased with the amount of coffee brandy, and the milk that filled the glasses. Then came time to stir the creations. Most people use a spoon, some a knife, and occasionally a knife of some kind. Stirrer decided to get even more inventive than that (rumor has it, he had just spent an hour in front of MacGyver). Eyes shifted, and faces got screwed up when they realized the particular instrument to be used for the act: a toothbrush handle. Shocked sat in a state of shock. But not so much that she was deterred from saying, "I'll have mine not stirred, please." A James Bond type, it appeared.
They all looked at Stirrer as to say, "Where has that toothbrush been?" It certainly did not look like a brush he usually uses. The group demanded a response and explanation.
Stirrer: It's not like it's the brush end.
Thirsty: I have no idea what you had on your hand when you brushed.
Joker: If it was you who brushed.
With no delay, Thirsty grabbed the closest (unstirred) Trailer Park and immediately darted to the opposite side of the room to escape the wrath of Stirrer, who was infuriated.
Stirrer: Thirsty, what are you doing!!?
Small pause for sarcastic, disbelieved look.
Thirsty: Getting a drink. I am thirsty. (And he took a drink. And then another to make clear that this one was his.)
Stirrer: Who grabs a drink before it is served to them?
At this point, there was silence. It was as if they were soaking that last utterance in. Stirrer, after all, had been a cavalier; he had made them all drinks, four en totale, and they turned out to be quite tasty. But did he just raise a point of party etiquette?
Thirsty: I guess I do. This is my drink. What's the problem?
Joker: Who waits? (She looked around for a chuckle, smile, or look of affirmation.)
Stirrer: This is your drink. You drank iced coffee out of this earlier.
Thirsty: No, I didn't. And who cares? I am drinking out of this one now. Four sips deep, bitch.
Stirrer: Dude, you are such a tool.
Frustrated, Stirrer shook his head in disgust.
The others sat and laughed at this display of conversation. Joker laughed because she was drinking wine. Computer could less what was used to stir, because it was free alcohol. Shocked was still pretty shocked.
Shocked: Yo I don't care, you guys, I will pour it into another glass.
Thirsty: I can't believe you are going to drink that. (Joker's laughing signaled her agreement.)
Stirrer: There is nothing wrong with it!
So Thirsty kept drinking the poached drink, looking very glad he didn't have to drink that one infested by toothbrush residue. Shocked ended up with the toothbrush-stirred drink poured into another glass, and Stirrer got another one he chose to stir by the same method. Joker drank red wine; all of it. Computer sat at the computer, drank the remaining stirred beverage, and laughed at all of us. Mostly at Stirrer and Thirsty.
Email nick [at] noumbrella [dot] com with your questions, comments and concerns.
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