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August, 2005
MANIFESTO OF THE LEFT-HANDED GUIDE
By Allison Murray
“A MANIFESTO OF THE LEFT- HANDED GUIDE
“A spectre is haunting the rivers of Maine -- the spectre of right- handed guide elitism. All the powers of right- brained, left- handed guides have entered into a holy alliance to exorcise this spectre”….(Karl Marx, kind of).
Has the time has come, my leftyie brothers and sisters, to form an allegiance against the perpetual stigma and prejudice suffered by those of us who choose (yes, choose, ‘cause we could guide rightyie if we wanted to) to hang our butts over the left side of the boat? Must we form a sacred trust where we vow to draw when others pry and pry when others draw?
Shall we send out the word to our people to keep a stout heart when they look for that beautiful smooth pour-over at Magic rather than splitting the standing wave (what standing wave? , I still can’t see it), or praise them when they learn how to judge the distance between meat and ledge at Exterminator by looking through rather than at the hole? Shall we celebrate their our enlightened perspective as they we stare down and drive towards the ledge at Whitewasher, prying like a sumbeatch sunuvabeach at the very last possible second to drop down in, perfectly posed for pictures? Should we help them stiffen their wills to, when need be, cleanly sneak that splashy left run that others scorn in the Gorge? Shall we join together in a holy alliance, to once and forever wrest the bonds of endless tooling and prejudice we endure from our oppressors?
Hmmm… perhaps a little research before the revolution.?
A little digging on my part, approximating plagiarism, highlighted some interesting facts about the perpetual “witch hunt” lefties have felt over the centuries. Molly Joy, on her website (http://www.geocities.com/mollyjoyful) discusses some of the long standing prejudices against we left- handed guides.
* Centuries ago, the Catholic Church declared left-handed people to be servants of the Devil.
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Hmm, they could be on to something here, check around, how many of your river managers are lefties? Don’t all guides sacrifice a small furry animal before the trip for luck? Ahem, lets keep that one quiet. lefties ok?
* For generations, left-handers who attended Catholic schools were forced to become right-handed.
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My leftyie brothers and sisters, how many of you struggled through guide training with a trainer who just looked at you, laughed and told you “you’re screwed” when you asked what to look for instead of the “whale’s tail” at Magic. Oor, how to run Exterminator when you can’t actually see how close you are to the gorge wall? Didn’t we all at some point, sneak over to the right side just to see if it was better?
* In Arab nations, the right hand is used to touch parts of the body above the waist, while the left hand is used for below the navel.
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Hehehehe, they said touching parts….tell me the truth leftyie sisters, have any of your rightyie male guide friends complained if you touched their body parts with either hand?
* Natives on the Guinea coast never touch their left thumbs to their beer mugs, in the belief that it would poison the beverage.
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Not so much of an issue when most guide’s choice of beverage is either Jaegermeister or PBR…it’s all poison, baby.
* Maori women weave ceremonial cloth with the right hand, because to use the left hand would profane and curse the cloth - the penalty for using the left hand is death.
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Remember trying to translate commands during training to leftyie in your head when you were still unsure what about the actual difference was between a draw and a pry, or learning how to surf, or trying to find a different marker at Maytag, or trying to run right at Elephant when you can’t see the wall? (Hhello, Ddeath).
* African tribes along the Niger river do not allow their women to prepare food with the left hand for fear of poisonous sorcery.
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Works for me, I detest cooking lunch and ripping cold, wet meat out of individually sealed plastic at seven in the morning. All lefties should probably be banned from support and kitchen duties.
Too long have we suffered the scorn of our right- handed friends and the perpetual critique of our guiding. I like to think it is because you can actually see what we’re doing in most of the pictures on the river. Sure you had your paddle in the water at Hayden’s, rightyie, sure you did…..
But before this tirade, indeed this manifesto, leads to some river jihad, with lefties huddled in dark recesses of wetsuit rooms plotting the overthrow of our proletarian right- handed brothers and sisters, I say, h”Hold on my brothers and sisters. , sStand tall and put love in your heart for your tormentors. They know not what they do.”
Know, dear, gentle, right-handed readers, that truly what it means to be leftyie is to understand and embrace adversity., tTo stand alone, to seek the company of the few, and withstand the never- ending critique of our trip pictures. Perhaps there is some truth to what our right- handed friends believe. Stereotypes do spring from experiences, but is there really such a thing as a right- handed river? Could the powers that send all that lovely foaming whitewater down the gorges and up over the rocks truly have meant for us to exclude one another? Perhaps we lefties do suffer a terrible handicap, but it doesn’t feel that way to me, or I would guess to my leftiey brethren.
Like the kids on the short bus, we’re not wrong…we’re just different, and we love you righties just the same. How awesome for you that the great hits are easier, the view is better and the gorge walls give you guidance! Maybe we do have to work harder, but what better reason for you to admire instead of scorn us, to give us the love that we all know you have? Out here, on the left edge…looking down into the meat of Exterminator and knowing your brother or sister, left- handed or right- handed, is sitting safety for you down below…. is really all about the love …isn’t it?
Email nick [at] noumbrella [dot] com with your questions, comments and concerns.
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