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Rants and Raves from a Kayaker’s Girlfriend
by Colleen Lyon
Is it me or the river???
Even if that were a fair question to ask I think I could probably guess the answer. He’s been in love with the river for most of his life, and me, well, it’s only been four years and that’s pushing it. He even once confided that surfing a wave is as good as sex. Go figure. A kiss is just a kiss, but awwww shit, bustin’ blunts is pure bliss.
Since the day our paths first crossed on a small college campus in Vermont, I guess I should have picked up on a few things that would have let me know going out with a kayaker was going in way over my head.
-The warning lights should start flashing when you get into an old Volvo with a guy who has two kayaks, two bikes, and a pair of skis strapped to the roof. Buckle up. You are now entering the extreme.
-In the confined spaces of a college dorm room, a guy who builds a loft just for his boats and has a nearly life size framed photograph of himself kayaking hanging up next to his bed alongside a plethora of paddling posters is a guy who’s got serious obsession issues.
-If your first romantic evening together consists of back massages, tickle fights, and watching a Wave Sport promotional video, then you might as well kiss all your preconceived notions of romance goodbye.
But I was oblivious and fell in love anyway. Eventually I realized that his life really does revolve around kayaking, but at this point of our relationship, of our lives, of our rollercoaster ride, it would be really lame to make him choose between his boat and his babe.
It still runs through my head sometimes…is it me or the river???
Even if I was ever foolish enough to hand him that threat, you can bet he would be out the door with his big red bucket full of paddling paraphernalia, securing his roof straps, blasting White Zombie, leaving me in the dust. He says I’m too independent. Maybe it’s just my self-defense, for I never know the next time he’s gonna take off for the river in a blur. And don’t think because it’s after dark he won’t go. They brought spotlights one time.
Well, at least I know if I ever get sick of competing with the lure of the river all I have to is pop the question to get rid of him! You can only put up with so much. I can only speak from my personal experience, but here’s just a little taste of what I have to deal with:
Self-Righteousness.
What is the deal with kayakers thinking they have some superior claim to existence over the rest of us? “You’ll never understand. You don’t even know what you’re missing.” Why is the joy from having an epic run on the river or throwing eleven cartwheels in a row so much better than the joy I get from walking through a field of wildflowers or dancing in the rain? Joy is joy, to each his own. Whatever floats your boat, whatever tickles your pickle, whatever satisfies your soul…that’s what matters. No need for the almighty attitude.
The Fam.
My relatives are always raving about how awesome and adventurous the kayaker boyfriend is and get all giddy telling him, “Oooooh you’re so crazy!” It gets old real quick. Believe me, he can toot his own whistle.
The Video Cam.
I won’t go into the details of motherboards, firewires, and the art of making digital films, but since the purchase of the video camera, I have lost even more time with him due to the endless, brain-numbing hours of editing kayak clips.
Traveling
When are we ever supposed to travel together when our travel plans consist of me going on hikes while he goes kayaking? Not to mention, all you kayakers know the hassles of lugging a big ol’ boat around everywhere you go.
Under Pressure
Is it me, or do kayakers put an intense pressure on their girlfriends to become kayaker chicks? I’ve tried. It’s stressful. It’s expensive to start and it takes a long time to get good or even to the point where you’re not completely freaked out by it. Besides, boyfriends teaching girlfriends probably isn’t the best idea anyway. I won’t lie, our first couple of lessons were a real good time, even though he didn’t explain things clearly and then started yelling at me to pay attention or else I’d die. But really, we had fun, and I now better appreciate the beauty, force, and grace of the river. But let’s be honest, I would be much more happy and content just splashing around barefoot in a creek, with big rocks to jump on, and little waterfalls to sit in.
Addiction
Should I really be hanging around with a guy who is “liquid addicted” and meets up with an “aquaholics” group once a week?
Priorities
How about a boyfriend who complains about driving an hour and a half to your house but totally willingly drives 7 hours up to the Ottawa on Friday to paddle Saturday then drive back 7 hours to Connecticut on Sunday? I’m still waiting for a reasonable explanation to that one.
Yeah, so it really stinks sometimes. I’ll always be an outsider to this whole river cult phenomenon. I’m the girl at the kayak festivals twirling her hair, making flower wreaths, and playing with people’s dogs while everyone else gets deep into kayak conversation. It’s frustrating when all his passion and excitement seem to go only to kayaking. The stupid river is hogging it all.
Really though, I am glad he is a kayaker. It’s lots of fun to watch especially when he actually looks up and smiles once in a while. I love the way his eyes light up like a little kid when he tells me about his day on the river. I love his 80’s florescent blue and neon green dry-top. I really love the little wet clumps of hair that stick up out of the holes in his helmet. And if he didn’t kayak then I would have never gotten the chance to sled down a sand dune in one. But he doesn’t have to do a helix, go pro, or nearly kill himself to impress me. He’s already got that covered. Although, he is defined by kayaking, I love enough about him otherwise to take him paddle in hand or not.
As long as he doesn’t forget about the passion in life’s simple pleasures, I will be supportive of the river obsession. As long as we keep on challenging, inspiring and driving each other the good and the bad crazy, it will keep things interesting. And as long as he doesn’t make we wear those stupid stinky booties ever again…things will be good.
Is it me or the river???
Lucky for the boy, I’ll never force him to make that choice. If I have learned anything from life and from kicking back with a kayaker, it is that there are no promises, no commitments, no answers, no absolutes, no regrets, no forevers. It’s all about getting pushed to the extremes of love, anger, passion, laughter, frustration, pure joy, and pure madness. Everyday is a new day. You never know what’s going to happen or what you’re going to get.
I say lets keep it that way.
Cheers to spontaneity, insecurity, and unpredictability.
Cheers to being young and free.
Let’s pray to the river gods to keep all you crazy kayakers safe and to give us all the ability to float like magic over the sketchiest and most sacred stuff that comes our way.
My Boyfriend’s Love Affair
By Nicole Wheeler
Somebody HELP!
My boyfriend is in love with someone else!
She’s about 5 1/2 ft. tall, weighs 30 pounds; she’s orange and her names SKIP! I just don’t get it, after 6 years he’s leaving me for something he calls an “H2Ogasm!” Four years ago, well four summers ago, Nick and I decided to move up here to his camp on Moxie Lake. He wanted to be a whitewater raft guide and I just wanted to be anywhere he was! Being a girly girl from the city it was really hard for me to get used to no electricity, no running water and Nick’s “river guide” STINK! But I got used to it and I actually think I miss it during the winter (maybe that’s going a little too far!) After he did the guide training, he decided to work for Moxie Outdoors as a guide and then a video boater! He asked me if I thought I would want to work there too. ME, a river guide? I DON’T THINK SO! So I applied to work for Moxie’s cooking and cleaning positions. Everything was perfect, we lived together, worked together and living up here was actually growing on me...until Nick started kayaking and then I never saw him again! Two summers ago he bought a Riot Dominatrix (without ever seeing it or even knowing what it was, I thought he was getting all kinky on me and hired a prostitute or something.) Well, it was close enough; this kayak actually had boobs on the back of it!! He paddled that all around Maine and Montana and I’ve even taken a picture of him on the Southern Rim of the Grand Canyon in it – he said it was for effect!)
So, this year Nick decided it was just about time for a new kayak so after multiple trips to Bangor and maxing out our credit card...Nick came home with an orange Liquid Logic “Skip” boat...that he’s crazy in love with (But still hasn’t sold his old dominatrix baby yet, anyone looking to buy it?)
So here I am all alone, writing this article, missing my Bubby, hoping he’ll see this and maybe come home! Hmm...fat chance! Where do you think he is right now? Oh you guessed it, paddling down the Kennebec River once again! Love is such a wonderful thing, isn’t it!
Love and the River
By Jeffrey Russell
...Like the thrill of a first date, that first encounter with a raging river electrifies us with fear, excitement, and anticipation. That first experience is alive with all the hopes, dreams, and longings of a new potential lover. Some yearn deeply and return for more at the earliest opportunity. Meanwhile, others (probably those not reading from this mag) are too overwhelmed, intimidated, or simply find that this date is not for them and never call back.
Those who do succumb to the call of the wildwaters make the transition from river virgins to “experienced” gradually, gaining with each encounter in familiarity and assurance. We gain trust that our new love will not dash us against the rocks, leaving our vulnerability exposed like a bleeding heart to be pecked by the ravenous, merciless ravens peering down from the dead treetops. Our love rises and falls, struggles with ups and downs. We battle as we seek to understand all the intricacies, the nuances that seem to defy logic. We find joy as we dance gracefully with the currents that take us to new places we’d never been before.
As our love matures, we find comfort, reassurance…nourishment in knowing the river. We play, we laugh, we love…the river satisfies our soul.
Patrick Paddles a
Prijon on the Payette
By Kristie Miller
| *Issue 7: Fiction: "Survivor" Comes to The Forks, Deadline August 21. Print date August 28. |
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