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...A list by the editor:
-They will grow, and at some point in your lives, be stronger than you. Payback is a mofo.
-You may need to borrow money from them someday.
-If you’re mean to your kids, they think that “mean” is the way to be. Then you will be the first person the cops (and the newspapers) call after your offspring runs over another child with a bicycle.
-So they don’t call the cops on you.
-So they’ll be nice to you.
-Somebody needs to show you how to use the Internet.
-So they will be happy to look after you when you get older. Otherwise, they may get tired of taking care of your grouchy ass and deposit you in the cheapest nursing home available.
-So you’ll have fun hanging out together when your kids become adults.
-Because they’ll love you for it.
-Because this is America and someone your child knows owns a gun, knife or a baseball bat.
-Because it sure is nice to receive birthday presents.
-Because if a kid feels loved, he/she won’t spend nearly as much time feeling depressed ... which leaves more time for him or her to figure out how to get rich.
-Because if they do get rich, and you’re still not, they might buy you a nice house.
-Because you want them to say “First, I’d like to thank my loving parents…” at the beginning of their Oscar or Employee of the Month Award acceptance speech.
-Because kayaking, fishing and playing cribbage all suck by yourself. Just ask my Dad. I took him out for his first run from Carry Brook down on the Kennebec last summer and rescued him three times … he’s still thinking about going kayaking again (sometime).
-Because they know where you keep your stash ... you may not believe it, but they do.
-They may run away and then you’ll miss them very much (plus, once they’re gone, you won’t qualify for that Tax Credit any longer).
-Because, chances are, they have your name. This means your kids will be responsible for how your family is remembered.
-The Menendez Brothers.
-Because they will be the parents of your grandchildren. And you know you want your grandchildren to have nice parents.
Email nick [at] noumbrella [dot] com with your questions, comments and concerns.
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